saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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