I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
