U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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