she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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