Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
