My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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