what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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