the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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