After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
