I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
