the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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