his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
