Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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