I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
