You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We are two peas in an std pod
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
