it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
