so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
