We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
