I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
a search helicopter?!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
