They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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