It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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