We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
