I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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