If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
