he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
