when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
