Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
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