He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
