Jerry, you need to find god
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Randomize
