I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
