I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You need Xanax blowdarts
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
