Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
