She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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