god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
