It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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