R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
