i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
