I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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