i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
So squirting runs in the family.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Randomize
