end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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