Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
is wine microwaveable?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
