I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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