i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Randomize
