There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
