He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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