Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
zippers are such a cool invention
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
