He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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