I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
