babies were throwing up all over the place
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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