if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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