Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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