my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
