The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
