All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I faked an abortion last night.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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