guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
