Just fell off a train. Bad.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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