So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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