Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
