i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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