so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
