6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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