I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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