is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
