So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
