I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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